sorry i have not written in a while....

hey there,

so my reasons for not blogging here in a while are quite simple: i haven't really felt up to it. in fact, i hadn't really felt up to anything to be honest. once summer came around, i was just kinda like "wait, what? i get to relax? ME?" like i was all dumbfounded to the idea that i actually could relax. doing art is like a GO GO GO GO GO lifestyle, so it's hard to back down and take a breather sometimes...it's just so consuming. don't get me wrong, i love art. the arts are my absolute passion in life...art, music, dance and theater...i love it all.

i've just been stressing myself out so bad in the past few months about my future and where my life is going....i call it my "mid-college crisis" haha. i worry so much about the future that the present doesn't mean as much to me as it used to...okay, that needs to STOP. people tell me i need to relax because things could change so easily in a few months, especially over a year. if i don't graudate right out of college with a job, okay, big WHOOP. the art world is much more different than the business world...you don't need internships or things....you just need your BFA and probably your master's and you're gonna do alright.

i need to stop stressing about jobs and internships and all this crap and just focus on MYSELF and what is good for me at the moment. i never really take a ton of time to myself during the school year, cause i feel like it's kinda selfish. it is MY life, though. i need to get that into my head. i need to stop thinking what everyone wants and expects from me and do what i feel is right for ME.

anyway, i am back working at Fresh Acres. it isn't too bad, i just get pooped from standing for 4 hours at a time again...gotta get used to it again. they had me work a weird shift last night....the dreaded 3 1/2 hour shift. it's a buncha poo cause you only get a break if you work 4+ hours....but it actually went very fast...work has been pretty busy this week and it's actually awesome cause it gives me something to do. if there were a constant flow of people, that would be awesome, but also exhausting. jon came to visit me :o) i love seeing his face pop out of the middle of the aisles when i am ringing other customers out. it makes me so happy...he came over last night and we played supernintendo in the basement because it was a lot cooler than upstairs even though the central air was on. we ran back to his house to get his acoustic, and we played our guitar and ukelele in the basement.

as a teeny part of jon's birthday present, i played death cab for cutie's "i will follow you into the dark" for him on my ukelele. he started to sing along! it was so nice! finally being able to play whole songs on my ukelele is a really big accomplishment for me. i'm compiling a binder with songs and their chords/tabs for me to look at and play from (kinda like sheet music, but not really...like sheet music for dummies cause i can't read sheet music yet). i do some by hand and others i find online and print out. they are kept in plastic binder sleeves. ahh, so good.

there was a huge thunderstorm brewing last night when it was time for jon to leave. it got SUPER windy out of nowhere and there was a ton of heat lightning which eventually turned into real thunder and lightning. by the way, yesterday was about 100 degrees. not too bad compared to last summer's highs barely reaching 80...last summer was in the mid 70's ugh i hope this summer is warmer....

because of the storm, i have to go out in the yard and pick up all the twigs and branches that went flying last night. work tonight 4-8 then i don't know what....i find out my schedule today...no work tomorrow and saturday! i really wanna go to the beach!

Written September 28th, 2007 for Communication Training class

We were asked the following questions for Communication Training class in high school. Here are my answers as a 17 year old:

QUESTIONS

What is really, really important to you? I think knowing that everyone around me is happy and satisfied at the moment is something I value a whole lot. If I ever do something wrong, I am filled with so much guilt that it drives me insane. I hate how I’ve held grudges with people because of silly things like them being my boyfriend’s ex or them teasing me over something ridiculously pointless. I’ve learned “kill them with kindness” is important...I think it’s good to move on from the past because I know how regretful I would feel if I left certain strings in my life untied. Being problem-free is really important.

What do you worry about the most? I worry the most about people falling behind, especially my friends. I hate it when people don’t try...Mostly I worry about myself and the decisions I make. I hate how sometimes I’m extremely hesitant because of the fact that I don’t know if the consequence would be me getting in trouble in the end. I’m worried about being too spontaneous...and I really don’t know why...I think it’s because of consequences and my mom may not approve.

What are you really good at? I’m pretty good at art...I’ve sold some art and won awards for it, so I guess I’m on a roll.

What is your definition of success? Being confident with yourself and your abilities and taking yourself where you want to go in life. You’re happy with where you’ve ended up in life. Of happiness? Being satisfied at the moment and being surrounded with something or someone that intrigues your interest. Of love? Having trust and reliance with someone...when it comes to a boyfriend/girlfriend, you can’t imagine being without them and you still get butterflies when you see them. Of power? Having control over others. Of intelligence? I don’t think you have to be smart in school to be smart at life. Intelligence is knowing what’s right and wrong for yourself and nobody else.

What are you scared of? Being raped, getting burned or shot, dying/having someone close to me die, drowning, tornadoes/really violent weather.

Where do you find peace? When and where are you truly happy? I think I am most peaceful at night when my boyfriend surprises me and drives over my house on his way home from work. I go out to his car to see him and we hug and look up at the stars. I feel so content and peaceful with him and the nighttime air around us. I especially feel peaceful on a nice cool day in the fall watching the leaves change.

Describe one thing other people have said you do well. Everyone tells me I do art really well, maybe because I’ve won awards and sold my art...I hope people aren’t jealous because I want to prove that you can take your abilities as far as you can.

Favorite music: too much to count...anything I can dance or draw to. Favorite Food: Anything at Panera Bread! TV: America’s Next Top Model, Project Runway, Jackass, True Life. Favorite Activity: Bowling, hanging out with friends, dancing, art. Place: at home. Favorite vacation spot: Ogunquit Maine, Hampton Beach, Paris. Favorite Subject: Art! And Choir. Favorite Way to Spend Time: with friends at night.

How does school affect your life? If it was a “perfect school” how might it affect your life? I think that in school everyone puts on somewhat of a false front. I know almost for certain that I get extremely hyper around all of my friends at school, maybe it’s because I’m excited and overwhelmed to be with them all at once. When I am outside of school, I feel so much more relaxed and at-ease. I think I’m more chill and don’t have to impress anyone outside of school. If my school was “perfect” nobody would have to get all dressed up and fancy-looking to impress anyone. Everyone would get along and nobody would judge each other. Nobody would spread rumors or cause drama.

What makes you happy? When in your life have you been the happiest? I get really excited when people surprise me, especially if it’s my family, my friends, or my boyfriend. I like when people go out of the way and do special little things for me, like baking me something for my birthday or stopping by my house just to say hello at night. I think I was happiest when I was younger, when I was carefree and got to play a lot around the house.

If you died today, what 3 words would you like to be said of you? “Unique, loving, sensitive.”

What is one thing you want to be more of and one thing you want to be less of? I want to be more spontaneous and less stressed-out/worried.

What ideas or beliefs are worth fighting for? I think someone should fight for rights like who they chose to be friends with, why they wear the clothes on their backs, whether they’re homosexual or straight, and the idea that everyone should be treated equally. I have a couple gay friends and I know one of them is having such a hard time with their parents trying to make them straight again.

What I wish my parents knew about me is...the fact that I am 100% trustworthy, and if I were ever in a situation where I felt uncomfortable, I know well enough to step out and get out of there. I am smart enough to make my own decisions now.

One question you have about life is...What is death like? Do you encounter everyone who has been a part of your life once you’ve died?

What do you wish you had the courage to do? I wish I had the courage to dress the way I want.

What happens to you when people tease you? Sometimes I will retaliate and sarcastically be like “wow...I really hate it when people laugh it my face...” It’s happened before. I will be up front because I’ve had it with being picked on. Truly.

I pretend to be...trendy...when really, I am...struggling to find my own personal style.

I have a hard time dealing with...drinking and drugs. Because...I have had bad experiences with especially drinking and it scares me because you cannot control the person when they are intoxicated. It saddens me when I hear of friends drinking just to “loosen them up” and they’ll hook up with people randomly. I don’t have low enough self-worth to stoop to that level.

One way I am different from everybody else is...I am very passionate when it comes to arguing about certain issues. Yes, I may be very opinionated regarding certain things...I cannot stand people who make fun of others. I am one of those people who WILL stand up for you.

What about yourself would you change if you could? The rolls on my neck and the lump on the back of my neck...My broad back. Ugh.

What about you makes you a good friend? You can trust me with anything. I am very loyal and will listen to you if you have a problem.

What do you like most about yourself? My eyes. My personality. My willingness to accept other people in an instant if they are willing to do the same.

What would you like to have accomplished by the age of 65? Attend the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade in New York someday.