maine and wisdom teeth.

so i just got back from ogunquit on saturday, and yesterday i got my wisdom teeth out. yesterday all i did was puke after i ate, probably from my pain medication. now all i am on is my antibiotic pills. i'm a bit more swollen today than yesterday...

yesterday jon came over after work and brought a movie (date night), my meds, some ginger ale, and a stuffed puppy that i named mr. chiquita. it made me feel a lot better!!! after we watched the movie last night, jon wanted to tuck me in...he read me a bedtime story too oh my gosh it was adorable and made me feel so comfortable. if it weren't for him and my mom taking care of me, i would probably feel a lot worse. i am CRAVING solid food. all i have been eating is pudding, applesauce, mashed potatoes, and soup. ugh. i hope i will be "normal" again by friday, cause jen wants to go get a chinese massage with me! my week is going by so quick...before i know it i go back to school sunday! thursday/friday i believe i am going back to school shopping with jon, saturday i am helping him move into his apartment, and sunday i am moving in! ahh! i think i am going to the cape with jon and his family labor day weekend, so that gives me some peace of mind that i will fit in one more vacation before the summer officially ends.

anyway, i have been watching tv most of the day, sitting up so i dont get too dizzy...

about college. and fitting in...

i was just thinking about college lately, and how my experience so far is pretty much nothing that i ever expected college to be like. MAYBE it's because i go to an art school, but i am not sure. the people, the dorm life, and the over atmosphere of my school feel somewhat "non-traditional" to me. i think it's because when i visit normal colleges, like when i used to visit my sister at Babson and when i visited UMass with Jon and his mom, they felt so awesome, like what college SHOULD feel like to me. it's so odd.

my college, geez i'm just so sick of it in a sense. college pretty much killed my love for drama. i still want to act this year, but the people just kill it for me. if you're gonna sit around for an hour long rehearsal cracking sexual jokes, okay, i don't want to be a part of it..i have artwork to do. if it's gonna be like that this year i just may officially call it quits from acting for fun. drama people can be either wicked fun or really cocky. luckily for me in high school i had a really great time with the people i got to act with. i think it's more like a minority thing in college. the older students are obviously the ones who run the whole deal. maybe this year will be different...?

another thing i dislike about college, it's just the entire experience....i will probably leave college with little to absolutely no baggage. the only people i have really met and become friends with were the people i lived with and their friends, as well as other art kids with similar personalities to mine. i never bothered hanging out with people from my normal university classes. people from my art school classes, yes, but otherwise, it's just too awkward for me. i am not like other people in the art school. i do not party hard or take massive amounts of drugs. i will never belong or fit into a clique in college. i am there to just work and get my degree and get out of there. for me, it isn't 100% entirely about making friends. yes, i absolutely adore the girls i am living with next year, but they will probably be some of the only TRUE friends i leave college with. college just isn't really my "thing." i'm just so fed up trying my best to be nice to everyone in the art school and half the people are these arrogant indie-holes who want nothing to do with you anyway.

i hate for this to sound like the typical whiny note like "ahhh i just don't fit in," but for me, "fitting in" has always been pretty difficult since i have so many different sides to my personality.

there are many different allie's: the allie who wants to go out in her skinny jeans, heels and a black blazer and french braid for cocktails / the allie who is a hippie and wants to wear a cozy dress and run in a field barefoot / the allie who wants to dress up and go to renaissance faires because she is a history nerd / the allie who wants to go to a show and get pushed around in a mosh pit and kicked in the face /the allie who will wear her best dress to class just because she feels like it.

yesterday was quite a day, let me tell you.

hey all,

so yesterday was a pretty good and bad and wonderful day.

first off, i had been looking around for jobs in Hartford for the fall, especially creative ones. i'd rather have a creative job that isn't 100% permanent than an internship (for now at least). i finally stumbled upon an opportunity at the Hartford Children's Theatre right on Farmington Ave. in Hartford (across from the Mark Twain house....pretty snazzy). i shot him over an email and the next thing i knew he wanted me to come in for an interview yesterday. the house that facilitates their offices is a beautiful victorian house. the man who interviewed me, Ryan, said the house was built by a woman who at the time was around to be Mark Twain's neighbor, and they disliked each other haha. Basically this woman invaded the block by building this massive church next door, and another house next to her as well. apparently it aggrivated Mark Twain because the "view" was not very nice any more. oh i'll stop...i'm such a history nerd.

anywho, i was so excited that Ryan was so excited to tell me about the program. he dove right in and told me all about the program, and how he just stepped in last year during their production of Beauty and the Beast. he has toured with GREASE on broadway! SO cool! he was really chill, too. he wore a khaki jacket and jeans for crying out loud....so awesome. i felt really relaxed and comfortable. i remember at my Eric Carle interview i felt like i was on pins and needles because i was not sure if they liked me, or even my work for that matter. when i pulled out my art, for example, the piece of Jon and his large feet, Ryan was like "oh, yep...saw this one already and loved it...it has an awesome perspective."

i was so shocked that he had actually taken the time to LOOK at my website! he really liked to look at my work, which felt awesome. the three shows that are taking place this coming season are Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Annie, and 13. there are two smaller touring shows in between, which include Schoolhouse Rock and a play based off an author's children's book. he said he wants to use me for at least a couple! he already had an artist in mind for a while for Willy Wonka, which is fine, but he said he may need to use more than one artist on the larger set pieces. sweeeeet.

so i'm all happy on my way home, it's a beautiful day. then i pull out of the parking lot and head through the outskirts of harford. i'm crossing this bridge heading towards Albany Ave. and all of a sudden, my car starts stalling. i put my foot on the gas and it would rev and then jerk forward a tad each time. i started shaking and my heart started to pound...i was really, really scared. i felt really bad for the guy driving behind me. i would pray he gave us enough room in between in case my car started to roll backwards. turning left onto Albany Ave. was brutal. i was literally stopping in the middle of the street. i was so afraid my car was gonna break down in the middle of Albany Ave.....luckily, i was super close to the Handel Performing Arts Center (which is an off-campus building for the Hartt School) so i pulled into their side parking lot. WHAT a big sigh of relief. i called my mom and told her what happened. she came right away and we called for a tow truck and all. my interview ended at 2:15 and i didn't leave that parking lot until 5:30-5:45 hahaha. my car had a leak in one of its transmission pipes. eek. that car needs to be fixed like, every two weeks, i swear.....

we dropped it off at the shop in Indian Orchard and then me and my mom got Red Robin for dinner. then we went to Wal-Mart in Ware cause we needed to get a few things for our cruise next week! i got an awesome recycled bag made from unused Capri-Sun pouches...soo cool.

well, that was my super eventful day :o)

sorry i have not written in a while....

hey there,

so my reasons for not blogging here in a while are quite simple: i haven't really felt up to it. in fact, i hadn't really felt up to anything to be honest. once summer came around, i was just kinda like "wait, what? i get to relax? ME?" like i was all dumbfounded to the idea that i actually could relax. doing art is like a GO GO GO GO GO lifestyle, so it's hard to back down and take a breather sometimes...it's just so consuming. don't get me wrong, i love art. the arts are my absolute passion in life...art, music, dance and theater...i love it all.

i've just been stressing myself out so bad in the past few months about my future and where my life is going....i call it my "mid-college crisis" haha. i worry so much about the future that the present doesn't mean as much to me as it used to...okay, that needs to STOP. people tell me i need to relax because things could change so easily in a few months, especially over a year. if i don't graudate right out of college with a job, okay, big WHOOP. the art world is much more different than the business world...you don't need internships or things....you just need your BFA and probably your master's and you're gonna do alright.

i need to stop stressing about jobs and internships and all this crap and just focus on MYSELF and what is good for me at the moment. i never really take a ton of time to myself during the school year, cause i feel like it's kinda selfish. it is MY life, though. i need to get that into my head. i need to stop thinking what everyone wants and expects from me and do what i feel is right for ME.

anyway, i am back working at Fresh Acres. it isn't too bad, i just get pooped from standing for 4 hours at a time again...gotta get used to it again. they had me work a weird shift last night....the dreaded 3 1/2 hour shift. it's a buncha poo cause you only get a break if you work 4+ hours....but it actually went very fast...work has been pretty busy this week and it's actually awesome cause it gives me something to do. if there were a constant flow of people, that would be awesome, but also exhausting. jon came to visit me :o) i love seeing his face pop out of the middle of the aisles when i am ringing other customers out. it makes me so happy...he came over last night and we played supernintendo in the basement because it was a lot cooler than upstairs even though the central air was on. we ran back to his house to get his acoustic, and we played our guitar and ukelele in the basement.

as a teeny part of jon's birthday present, i played death cab for cutie's "i will follow you into the dark" for him on my ukelele. he started to sing along! it was so nice! finally being able to play whole songs on my ukelele is a really big accomplishment for me. i'm compiling a binder with songs and their chords/tabs for me to look at and play from (kinda like sheet music, but not really...like sheet music for dummies cause i can't read sheet music yet). i do some by hand and others i find online and print out. they are kept in plastic binder sleeves. ahh, so good.

there was a huge thunderstorm brewing last night when it was time for jon to leave. it got SUPER windy out of nowhere and there was a ton of heat lightning which eventually turned into real thunder and lightning. by the way, yesterday was about 100 degrees. not too bad compared to last summer's highs barely reaching 80...last summer was in the mid 70's ugh i hope this summer is warmer....

because of the storm, i have to go out in the yard and pick up all the twigs and branches that went flying last night. work tonight 4-8 then i don't know what....i find out my schedule today...no work tomorrow and saturday! i really wanna go to the beach!

Written September 28th, 2007 for Communication Training class

We were asked the following questions for Communication Training class in high school. Here are my answers as a 17 year old:

QUESTIONS

What is really, really important to you? I think knowing that everyone around me is happy and satisfied at the moment is something I value a whole lot. If I ever do something wrong, I am filled with so much guilt that it drives me insane. I hate how I’ve held grudges with people because of silly things like them being my boyfriend’s ex or them teasing me over something ridiculously pointless. I’ve learned “kill them with kindness” is important...I think it’s good to move on from the past because I know how regretful I would feel if I left certain strings in my life untied. Being problem-free is really important.

What do you worry about the most? I worry the most about people falling behind, especially my friends. I hate it when people don’t try...Mostly I worry about myself and the decisions I make. I hate how sometimes I’m extremely hesitant because of the fact that I don’t know if the consequence would be me getting in trouble in the end. I’m worried about being too spontaneous...and I really don’t know why...I think it’s because of consequences and my mom may not approve.

What are you really good at? I’m pretty good at art...I’ve sold some art and won awards for it, so I guess I’m on a roll.

What is your definition of success? Being confident with yourself and your abilities and taking yourself where you want to go in life. You’re happy with where you’ve ended up in life. Of happiness? Being satisfied at the moment and being surrounded with something or someone that intrigues your interest. Of love? Having trust and reliance with someone...when it comes to a boyfriend/girlfriend, you can’t imagine being without them and you still get butterflies when you see them. Of power? Having control over others. Of intelligence? I don’t think you have to be smart in school to be smart at life. Intelligence is knowing what’s right and wrong for yourself and nobody else.

What are you scared of? Being raped, getting burned or shot, dying/having someone close to me die, drowning, tornadoes/really violent weather.

Where do you find peace? When and where are you truly happy? I think I am most peaceful at night when my boyfriend surprises me and drives over my house on his way home from work. I go out to his car to see him and we hug and look up at the stars. I feel so content and peaceful with him and the nighttime air around us. I especially feel peaceful on a nice cool day in the fall watching the leaves change.

Describe one thing other people have said you do well. Everyone tells me I do art really well, maybe because I’ve won awards and sold my art...I hope people aren’t jealous because I want to prove that you can take your abilities as far as you can.

Favorite music: too much to count...anything I can dance or draw to. Favorite Food: Anything at Panera Bread! TV: America’s Next Top Model, Project Runway, Jackass, True Life. Favorite Activity: Bowling, hanging out with friends, dancing, art. Place: at home. Favorite vacation spot: Ogunquit Maine, Hampton Beach, Paris. Favorite Subject: Art! And Choir. Favorite Way to Spend Time: with friends at night.

How does school affect your life? If it was a “perfect school” how might it affect your life? I think that in school everyone puts on somewhat of a false front. I know almost for certain that I get extremely hyper around all of my friends at school, maybe it’s because I’m excited and overwhelmed to be with them all at once. When I am outside of school, I feel so much more relaxed and at-ease. I think I’m more chill and don’t have to impress anyone outside of school. If my school was “perfect” nobody would have to get all dressed up and fancy-looking to impress anyone. Everyone would get along and nobody would judge each other. Nobody would spread rumors or cause drama.

What makes you happy? When in your life have you been the happiest? I get really excited when people surprise me, especially if it’s my family, my friends, or my boyfriend. I like when people go out of the way and do special little things for me, like baking me something for my birthday or stopping by my house just to say hello at night. I think I was happiest when I was younger, when I was carefree and got to play a lot around the house.

If you died today, what 3 words would you like to be said of you? “Unique, loving, sensitive.”

What is one thing you want to be more of and one thing you want to be less of? I want to be more spontaneous and less stressed-out/worried.

What ideas or beliefs are worth fighting for? I think someone should fight for rights like who they chose to be friends with, why they wear the clothes on their backs, whether they’re homosexual or straight, and the idea that everyone should be treated equally. I have a couple gay friends and I know one of them is having such a hard time with their parents trying to make them straight again.

What I wish my parents knew about me is...the fact that I am 100% trustworthy, and if I were ever in a situation where I felt uncomfortable, I know well enough to step out and get out of there. I am smart enough to make my own decisions now.

One question you have about life is...What is death like? Do you encounter everyone who has been a part of your life once you’ve died?

What do you wish you had the courage to do? I wish I had the courage to dress the way I want.

What happens to you when people tease you? Sometimes I will retaliate and sarcastically be like “wow...I really hate it when people laugh it my face...” It’s happened before. I will be up front because I’ve had it with being picked on. Truly.

I pretend to be...trendy...when really, I am...struggling to find my own personal style.

I have a hard time dealing with...drinking and drugs. Because...I have had bad experiences with especially drinking and it scares me because you cannot control the person when they are intoxicated. It saddens me when I hear of friends drinking just to “loosen them up” and they’ll hook up with people randomly. I don’t have low enough self-worth to stoop to that level.

One way I am different from everybody else is...I am very passionate when it comes to arguing about certain issues. Yes, I may be very opinionated regarding certain things...I cannot stand people who make fun of others. I am one of those people who WILL stand up for you.

What about yourself would you change if you could? The rolls on my neck and the lump on the back of my neck...My broad back. Ugh.

What about you makes you a good friend? You can trust me with anything. I am very loyal and will listen to you if you have a problem.

What do you like most about yourself? My eyes. My personality. My willingness to accept other people in an instant if they are willing to do the same.

What would you like to have accomplished by the age of 65? Attend the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade in New York someday.

A List of Things to Hate (will accumulate over time no doubt)

If you're having a bad day, maybe it could be worse! I HATE:

1. cutting your fingernails so short that it hurts to use your fingers

2. running out of toilet paper when you really need it

3. going to the store for one thing in particular and they do not have it

4. when your cell phone has fallen out of your back pocket and into the toilet

5. tuning your guitar and one of the strings breaks and scares the crap out of you

6. getting food poisoning

7. getting pooped on by a bird

8. getting your food stolen by a seagull at the beach

9. when a bear has ripped open your camping tent and eaten your science notes in search of food

10. tripping and fall flat on your face

11. seeing a couple makeout when you are single

12. getting a paper cut from a wicked thick piece of paper

13. making an awesome vase on the ceramics wheel until it gives way and collapses three seconds before you were about to stop

14. not getting an internship you really wanted

15. having your boyfriend break up with you and not tell you why

16. going rollerskating and get some wonderful blisters afterwards

17. growing out of your once-favorite item of clothing

18. getting a rip in the crotch of your jeans, out of all places

19. wearing sandals to a concert and your feet get stepped on

20. getting thrown up on

21. when the fire alarm goes off at 3am when you are really exhausted

22. when you get a bug bite the size of alaska on your ass

23. when an item of clothing you really adore is way too expensive

24. getting into a fight with someone you really care about the day you are going to see your favorite band in concert

25. when you're typing a final paper and the power goes out

26. hitting a patch of ice when you're snowboarding

27. when you're so tired in the morning that you accidentally pour orange juice in your cereal and milk in your cup instead of vice-versa

i have a new ukelele!

so i bought a ukelele yesterday at daddy's junky music in west springfield. i am so excited. it cost a little over $60, but is definitely worth it. i had been thinking about getting one a lot lately, and i'm glad i finally got it. for me, a ukelele is more convenient than a guitar right now. four strings is easier for me to play than six, and because of its small size, it can be taken almost anywhere. jon and i kept playing it yesterday....it is so fun. he may even consider getting one as well. i think he should so we can rock out on uke together! he has a few guitars and is still trying to teach himself....he admits he wants lessons badly though. hopefully he can get them in the summer because i see a ton of potential for him to grow...he just absolutely loves guitars.

it has only been a day and i am already picking up some chords! i printed out a two-page chord chart and put it in a plastic sleeve and pinned it up on the wall right in front of me. so far i am teaching myself something, all you need is love, and with a little help from my friends by the beatles, as well as island in the sun by weezer. i got to play for a good half hour when i got back from class this morning. it was awesome. i never thought i could pick up an instrument so fast! maybe someday i WILL learn how to play guitar, but for now, my ukelele is wonderful.

jon came to pick me up on saturday from school to help me escape the havoc from spring fling. thank goodness. (oh! the girl talk concert was friday night....it was awesome....i went out to cheesecake factory with my future roomies..we had a ton of fun)....we went on a tour of umass saturday cause jon is thinking of transferring one last time. it's a lot different to look at such a big school after you have already gone to college for two years. if i had looked at umass as a high school senior, i would have been super intimidated. 20,000 students?!?! it's a really great school, though. if jon got in he might end up living with our friends mike, dan, and andrew....which i think would be really good for him so he has something to do at school. saturday night we went to see OCEANS and it was a little hard for me because i am petrified of whales. but it was a pretty movie....i learned a few things surprisingly, like whales sleep upside down?! what! so cool.

before buying my ukelele yesterday jon and i went to the puppy store at the riverdale plaza first. we played with a little scottish terrier! he was really shy at first, but when he loosened up he was so precious! i would pick him up and put him in my lap, and he would just put his head down like he wanted to go to sleep. and when i finally picked him up to give him back to the lady, he was SO calm. i have never held such a calm puppy....i don't think i could ever handle having a really hyper dog...too much work.

i was in a fairly weird mood yesterday, though. like i didn't really feel like talking. i don't know if it was because my parents were kinda iffy on me buying a ukelele. HEY, at least i didn't go and spend $500 on new snowboarding equipment (which i will need eventually)....i am trying my absolute best to save my money. i have not bought ANY new clothes for myself aside from the ones i have bought with gift certificates. they know me though....sometimes i get bored easily, or maybe wear clothes once and then change my mind....i know i used to be like that. but i am trying my best to be less materialistic and buy only what i NEED (the ukelele is just good for my soul). i am trying to get rid of a lot of old clothes and stuff i don't need. i really want to have a tag sale this summer.....

oh! by the way, i sent a letter to the family i used to babysit (they used to live nearby). the dad works for Hallmark, and since i didn't get an internship with them, i asked him for his help/advice. he said they MAY have an opening around maine/new hampshire....i would love that! but it would be a shame if i had to move there for a couple months this summer and have it be an unpaid internship.....we shall see what happens...i would love to work for Hallmark in the long run....